I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need a beard to bite.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
