Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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