Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
