You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
