Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
