My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
