I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
