You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
