Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
