the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
