matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
