my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
