even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
