I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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