He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
