After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
