I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
