I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
