I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
