i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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