the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
