she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
