She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
