i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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