I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
