i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
