Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
