I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
