She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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