My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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