Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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