Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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