She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
