boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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