someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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