they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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