Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
