party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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