I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
