SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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