i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
