Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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