and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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