i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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