Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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