Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
