haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
