In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize