this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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