whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
