just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
