he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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