I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
